It’s still only 2013 and I’m already sick of hearing about how 2015 will supposedly have the greatest movie lineup ever. Right, if you enjoy comic book garbage, Star Wars, crap sequels or a combination of these. Kinda funny that nearly every last one of these upcoming blockbusters is a sequel, adaption or crossover. Nothing original. Zip. As such, I’m not particularly interested, in fact, I’m a bit pissed, because it’ll not only be a year of nonstop CGI monstrosities but assuredly a 12 month session of mass circle jerking. Fuck these movies. I’m going to take ’em out one by one…
The Avengers: Age Of Ultron
This movie is going to suck. How do reasonably intelligent people know this? Because the previous movie and all of the heroes’ solo movies sucked as well. Thus, the deduction is simple, the odds-on bet is more of the same, especially since no-one had the balls to call the original shitfest out. The problem is, there aren’t too many reasonably intelligent people around. I’ll simply refer to this site’s review of the first: “The Avengers is the third in a series of feature length toy adverts (The first being Captain America and Thor, two business ventures filling the dual role of trailer and figurine tease). It is a 143 minute sales pitch created from an IBM processor, a computer generated promo.” Expect a diarrhea blizzard of plastic CGI with a creaking ‘plot’ nailed to it at the end, with critics deciding to rate it highly before even witnessing it, through fear of death threats (if only I was joking…) and other abuse.
Star Wars: Episode VII
Hey guyth! New Stor Wors, new Stor Wors! With Mark Hamil and Princeth Leia! Seriously, who gives a fuck? At some point in my life, I looked at Star Wars – after being one of these film snobs who felt he had to swear by them – and I said to myself, this stuff is shit. The first two, okay I suppose, the last four – overrated intergalactic tedium. Why make more? At least the last three were always supposed to be made, and they failed even despite being handled by the series creator. Nevermind the fact that Mark Hamill now looks like Meat Loaf, we now got the director of Star Trek: Into The Darkness (chaotic CGI monotony) handling a tack-on. Fail.
It’s a quote that can never be used enough, and it’s time to use it again. The soup has been pissed in. – Jim Cameron. And he’s right, Terminator 3 fucked up canon and credibility, then Terminator: Salvation fucked it up some more. Now we got an unproven director taking on a fucked up franchise with Schwarzenegger supposedly coming back. Coming back to do what, exactly? Play a 70 year old T-800? Terminator 5: From the writer of ‘Drive Angry’ and that other classic, ‘Dracula 2000’. Dracula 2000 for fuck sake. Google it, if you dare. Suddenly, the ghastly TV series looks appealing by comparison. Piss soup, anyone?
James Bond 24
The last Bond movie, Skyfall, was just another example of one of those ‘let’s just ignore that it sucks and jerk off to it, just because it’s Franchise-X’. It did suck. We’re just supposed to ignore the fact that it had a Spy Hard villain, a ludicrous story and was completely sour and drab. As mentioned in the review, it was tough viewing: The problem is it’s just plain dull, with ruined casting. Here, Bardem is taken straight from an Austin Powers movie. Think camp, then forgettable. Bond 24 will be handled by the same director. So don’t tell me it’s going to be good, tell me why it isn’t going to be ass, like the last one. Silly fucking nonsense, part 24.
Resident Evil 6
The most baffling of all, the fact that Anderson was even recruited to handle the first, which was garbage, was then outdone by the fact that there are at least five more made, meaning there are some very, very dumb people out there. It’s hard to articulate just how bad this series is, having long since stooped below comedy. It has been delayed into 2015, however this could be a positive. All of these other shitfests might encroach upon its profits, forcing the studio to call it a day. At least on the Anderson timeline.
Batman Vs Superman
Directed by Zack Snyder, man who failed to direct a good Superman movie. Written by David S. Goyer, man who failed to write a good Batman movie, multiple times. And failed to write a good Superman movie, come to that. Guess what, folks – 2+2 = 4. Batman Vs Superman will suck. This summer! Double the angst! Quadruple the CGI debris! Of course, the retard herd will eat it up, oblivious to the redundancy of this sterile, turgid slop. What happened to the cool comic book heroes like Blade or the real Batman? One thing though, it has Ben Affleck as Batman. That could be the subject of some unintended hilarity. C’mon, Batfleck, scuttle this ship!
That’s a list of pretty shit movies, based on previous evidence. But to prove I’m not a complete malcontent or, um, troll, I will give not one but three personal interests. One, Mad Max: Fury Road, which looks interesting. Secondly, Jurassic World, but again, cautious. Third, assuming it gets off the ground – Independence Day 2. Now come on, who hasn’t been panting for this one. Although Emmerich has been filming shit for a while now.
ManlyMovie, over and out.