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[REVIEW] San Andreas (2015) - ManlyMovie

[REVIEW] San Andreas (2015)

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Runtime: 114 Mins
Rated: PG-13
What to expect: Family angst, pulverized CGI concrete, not enough stoic mandom

I miss the old disaster flicks where manly men like John Wayne and Steve McQueen would handle their fucking business.  Nevermind those flames or impending disaster, adopt the stern face and get on with it.  I had stupidly hoped for at least some of that with San Andreas, especially since The Rock is now Hollywood’s leading action man.  Fool.  This is a sappy girlie man movie, where the lead hero sits up front in a stationary vehicle with his wife, crying over some pitiful anguish from his past.  Family anxiety, that’s the name of the game here.  This type of shit would never have shown up in a Charles Bronson movie, who, goddamnit, would’ve been stopped by nothing on this earth had his daughter been trapped somewhere.  If this was a Charles Bronson movie, the original Terminator soundtrack would’ve been apt.

Anyway, The Rock is a rescue chopper pilot.  And when the largest earthquake in recorded history fucks some shit up, he must seek out and save his daughter (ManlyMovie certified babe Alexandra Daddario).  Oddly, Alexandra is only 14 years his junior.  I don’t know why they just didn’t make her his woman, instead of forcing the third wheel in there, his wife, played by Carla Gugino.

This movie is a database of tired old cliffhanger tropes.  The arm reaching out to catch the hand of another human about to plunge untold depths to their death?  How about the old chestnut where a central figure has apparently drowned, but is brought, narrowly, back to us via CPR?  Oh.  Here’s one.  The cowardly stepfather who runs a mile when the going gets tough, opening the door for reconciliation between the old flames.  Jesus Christ, why would Dwayne Johnson sign onto this doormat of a script?

What this movie is, is a soulless tech-reel.  Hey guys, look how much we can fuck up San Francisco, and look how real we made it look!  Pulverized concrete amid chaotic noise, with highly improbable events filling in the narrative gaps.  It’s sub-par stuff.  There are only two good things here.  The Rock is fun to watch as ever, regardless of what he’s in and his action scenes are relatively stable.  There’s a nice ‘tipping the hat’ rescue sequence that opens the movie for example.  And Alexandra Daddario rescues us from boredom multiple times as well, by being an incredible specimen, talking, sitting, or otherwise.

But don’t see this movie, unless maybe you’ve got a ten year old to occupy for a few hours, or something like that.  Too much angst, not enough manly heroics.

5

14 Comments

  1. Mucho Macho

    June 3, 2015 at 12:46 am

    Even Though i agree with all you wrote Night..i expected nothing from this movie. Knew it was a disaster flick & went with some friends & we cracked jokes, lusted after Gugino (who is a decade & a half older than Daddario but in Hollywood that’s even good enough to play a grandmother ) & Daddario & pretty much knew what the fuck we had..A big Budget B movie. A lot of disarter flicks are.
    To be honest if you expect something else you will be disappointed. just take it for what it is. just watched shit get torn down ,watch the spectacle , don’t take it seriously & don’t question logic. Because i did that i wasn’t bored. But is it a great movie?..Fuck No!
    Just turn your brain off & go with it if u watch the film.
    Btw..Bronson would have shot his wife’s new boyfriend. None of that “i’m happy for you crap”

    • Jay Beezy

      June 3, 2015 at 1:45 am

      Actually, in Hollywood these days, 15 years younger isn’t young enough to play the girlfriend.

      • Mucho Macho

        June 3, 2015 at 2:56 am

        Hahaha..true.
        U know now everybody complains over everything.
        I read an article not long ago about this. But heres my point..in real life..women date older guys all the fuckin time! Not all..but a ton.
        In high school they like college guys.( i still remember the speeches. ” i like men, not boys u non driving broke mother fucker!”) In college they like graduates or professors & after that men with more “world” experience.
        Truth be told..lots of times..is easier for guys to get laid later in life than when younger.
        My gf is younger than me..& she was the 1 that hit on me. i was just chillin mindin my own business.
        so even though crazy feminist now have a huge problem with the “age gap between male/female costars” check real life..
        younger chicks hook up & marry older men all the fuckin time.

  2. Mucho Macho

    June 3, 2015 at 12:47 am

    👀👀👀

    • The Night Rider

      June 3, 2015 at 4:21 pm

      • Mucho Macho

        June 3, 2015 at 6:00 pm

        Hahahahahaha
        sexual chocolate

  3. Mucho Macho

    June 3, 2015 at 12:52 am

    👍👍

    • Walter S.A. Iego

      June 5, 2015 at 1:35 am

      Holy testical Thuesday!

      • Mucho Macho

        June 5, 2015 at 1:47 am

        Underrated beauty Gugino

  4. Mucho Macho

    June 3, 2015 at 12:59 am

    This is an oldie but goodie.
    From 1974 “Earthquake”
    Starring Charlton Heston R.I.P. You Manly Fucker , btw..in this film Heston has a hot young mistress cause his wife is a pain in the ass…That a boy Chuck!
    https://youtu.be/w_BwX2fEUTo

  5. CyrusTheVirus85

    June 3, 2015 at 3:14 pm

    Why is this movie performing so well? Is the Rock just box office dope?

    • The Night Rider

      June 3, 2015 at 4:19 pm

      3D
      PG-13
      Rock’s lats
      Axelandra’s pecs

      • Jay Beezy

        June 3, 2015 at 7:02 pm

        I don’t know how relevant this will be to your interests. Alexandra is headlining an R-rated buddy comedy with Kate Upton. I know you haven’t enjoyed recent R-rated comedies. I just thought you’d have two good pairs of reasons to see it. 😉

    • Mucho Macho

      June 3, 2015 at 5:59 pm

      Also there isn’t lots of competition. “Aloha” “poltergeist remake” ( which doesn’t come close to the original)
      & Avengers has been out for a while.