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REVIEW: Haywire (2012) - ManlyMovie

REVIEW: Haywire (2012)


I finally got to see a fantasy come true in Haywire.  No, not being slack-jawed at Gina Carano’s thighs being put to amazing use.  Rather I finally got to see Ewan McGregor get beaten to a bloody pulp and drowned.  It was satisfying, but having to sit through 8 hours of monotonous shit, I’m not sure it was worth it.  Wait, Haywire only lasts 90 minutes.  It felt like 8 hours, anyway.  It goes on and on.  And on.  Yet arrives nowhere.  It has one trick:  Gina Carano beating the shit out of people, something that feels forced and gimmicky.  The rest is pretty diabolical espionage with A-Listers forgetting their lines.  Maybe it’s because I watched this back to back with The Bourne Legacy, an underrated and superior movie from the same genre, but Haywire is a flat yawnfest.

GoldenThigh

A good spy yarn should be authentic.  So in Haywire, why is Carano spilling all to a random guy in a car – the names of international agents, their whereabouts, everything.  Now, y’see, when Bourne was guilty of doing the same thing – he had the excuse of a head injury and amnesia.  Carano’s excuse must be weemin gossip, sometimes they just can’t help it.  Maybe this is why women don’t fill out the the majority rank of secret agents?  

The acting doesn’t help either.  Channing Tatum is a poor actor.  Gina Carano is worse, probably the worst actress I have ever seen.  So when you have these two discussing international espionage, it kinda kills the moment when Tatum mumbles nonsense like Rocky and Carano is concentrating real hard on what the next line of dialogue is.  But don’t worry, turns out the overall story is shit, so they had nothing of any real substance to relay anyway.  Carano isn’t the only one who struggles with the dialogue.  Michael Douglas too. As soon as I saw that dirty old bastard in this movie, I drew the immediate suspicion that he was there to pursue an affair with the lead actress, who (kinda) looks like a younger version of his wife. I’m sory but this was my first, real, inclination.

The Thighs That Loved Me

Haywire is a shit spy thriller.  So then, we look to it as an action thriller for salvation.  But it’s not much of an action thriller either.  Its one trick and gimmick is Carano beating the shit out of men and like I said earlier, it feels forced.  It’s like the movie is built around it.  Okay, we get it, a woman kicking ass.  The rest of the film is a product of the fight scenes, rather than the fight scenes being a product of the story.  It would’ve helped though if Carano had more charisma than an empty water bottle.  

Even in a tender moment, mourning the death of someone, Carano is shockingly stone-faced and a picture of rigidity. But back to the action.  Closer to the end, as a fugitive Carano runs into a roadblock in a snowy and iced backwood area of the country.  Great, I thought, a chase scene.  Now in that type of terrain and weather, few land-based vehicles on this earth will catch or even keep pace with a Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution 4×4.  Its very automotive DNA was moulded by that kind of ground.  But the chase sequence is over before it begins, with the car being stuck in a ditch.  Women drivers.

All the suspense and intrigue of eating a bowl of oats.  Extra points though, for the forceful drowning of Ewan McGregor.

5

9 Comments

  1. jim

    July 8, 2016 at 9:01 pm

    Girlpowert PC bullshit…I’m ashamed to have seen it.

    • Saverio

      July 11, 2016 at 3:59 am

      Hey I just watched Green Room. Fuckin loved it! They don’t make ’em like this hardly ever! It was glorious & the violence was necessary! Young hungry directors with shoestring budgets blows anything Hollywood makes now out of the fucking water and it’s not even close. I emplor everyone to watch this film

  2. Mainline DnB

    July 8, 2016 at 9:48 pm

    All of Carano’s lines were dubbed by another actress, Laura San Giacomo. ALL of them. Soderbergh’s intentions were pretty straightforward… He saw Carano fighting and thought “I’m going to make a movie that totally revolves around her doing that”. That’s it, he’s said as much in interviews. She definitely shouldn’t have been thrust front & centre without any actual acting experience, but it’s hard for me to critique her performance when she more than delivered on the one thing she was hired for.

  3. Mucho Macho

    July 8, 2016 at 10:50 pm

    I actually like this movie & I am going to defend it.
    It’s not a masterpiece by any means, nor is it the greatest movie on Earth. However I wanted to see a movie that had some action and some kick-ass fights and in that regard it delivered. I was not bored & I was entertained by the movie and that’s why I give it a favorable review.
    It’s a genre picture & I took it for what it was. Now some people may accuse me or others on this site of not liking women in action roles, it’s just that a lot of women can’t fight for shit & don’t even know how to throw a punch and look ridiculous.
    I recently saw the movie “Pan” & Ronney Mara looked liked she was thinking of the choreography as she did the action scenes & she looked as believable as a $3 American bill.

    However there are those that kick ass and whom I have loved over the years. Think of course Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2, Sigourney Weaver in Aliens , Cynthia Rothrock, Pam Grier, Michelle Yeoh amongst them.
    Gina Carano likes to fight & she looks good doing it IMO. I didn’t watch this movie to see “Schindler’s List” type acting. Gina Carano did just fine in her action sequences which is why I watch this movie in the first place, therefore thumbs up from me 👍👍
    *https://youtu.be/DpLErgPHt_o

    *https://youtu.be/l0Qsl_6muRY

  4. Saverio

    July 8, 2016 at 11:51 pm

    Dead on! Yawn fest! I turned it off after 10 minutes of this shit

  5. Shawn Gordon

    July 9, 2016 at 3:14 am

    I remember being very underwhelmed by this movie as well as all subsequent Gina Garano flicks. Being an action star, just isn’t where her talents lie.

  6. Just Some Polack

    July 9, 2016 at 11:55 am

    5/10? Waaaaaaaaay too much…

  7. ColonelBobi

    July 9, 2016 at 12:35 pm

    Yeah I saw this at the time and was unimpressed especially with Carano being a non-actor. She can fight sure but when asked to deliver lines she was more wooden than Michael Douglas’ old ass schlong.
    If I want to watch a women kick ass and look hot while doing it i’ll watch that Zoe Saldana movie Colombiana again.

  8. Barney Ross

    July 11, 2016 at 8:06 pm

    Didn’t like this shit