Like him, love him or laugh at him, a place was always waiting for Steven Seagal in The Expendables franchise. His late 80’s/early 90’s run of violent actioners earned him a pass, even if he did break Sean Connery’s wrist or hire a hitman to murder a perceived rival. You’d think that Seagal would jump at the opportunity, having been stuck in DTV wasteland for over ten years. Stallone was way ahead of us, as usual, and met with the reincarnated monk earlier this year. He said on Twitter: “Just talked to STEVEN S. In Moscow …sounds great and says he wants to be in EX3, if the part fits”. If the part fits? Hilarious. What is this, 1992? Maybe Seagal is back in the big leagues, and we totally missed his comeback? What big production blockbuster could possibly have lured Seagal away from EX3?
Answer: “A Good Man” (2014). DTV garbage.
Here’s the synopsis: ” “Alexander (Seagal) is the perfect soldier but when a little girl dies in his arms on a mission in Iraq – he goes off the grid. Sam Huang is an enforcer for the Chinese Triad, paying off his little sister Mya’s safe passage to the US. When the nefarious Mr. Chen sets up Sam to take the fall for murders he committed, he also kidnaps Mya and hands her over to the mob. The now recluse Alexander decides to help Sam get his sister back and wipe out the Triad. The body count rises as Alexander returns to what he does best – killing. But will it be enough for Alexander to be redeemed.”
So just like every other Seagal DTV, then. As in Seagal will walk around in a trench coat with Asian symbols on it, bend some wrists, say ‘fuck it’ and leave production early forcing the director to hire a double to film scenes with Seagal walking, and hire a voice impressionist to finish the dialogue Seagal didn’t bother to record. I mean, these things are so shit that they’re actually good comedies. But the baffling thing is he takes another instead of The Expendables 3. Is his ego really that fat? Even the title, “A Good Man” is so shit, you expect it to be funny. I’m sure he was asked for the first two as well. At least Van Damme learned his lesson and accepted a role in EX2. And by all accounts, he was a humble pro on the set.
If nothing else, though, keep an eye out in January. The notorious third season of ‘Lawman’ will air, and it promises to be a real side splitter, not least because it features the cock fighting raid from hell. Just keep being a joke, Steve. It’s what you do best.