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[REVIEW] The Mercenary: Absolution (2015) - ManlyMovie

[REVIEW] The Mercenary: Absolution (2015)

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After 17 years of DTV slop, you begin to notice that there are three different types of movie Steven Seagal makes these days.  The first and easily the most rare is the ‘average’ DTV, one which is mediocre by film standards but good by DTV standards.  The second is the one that is so inept, lazy and absurd that it fills in as a comedy.  Those are also less common.  The third is the movie that is so bad that it’s just plain bad, unwatchable, unredeemable.  That’s what this lousy movie is.  A waste of time where all involved knew and yet went ahead with it anyway.

Steven Seagal is John Alexander.  And he’s a mercenary.  I mean Jesus Christ, is there a creative paralysis going on with these guys?  Anyway, he and his partner, Chi (played by Byron Mann) are hired to take out a terrorist.  Ground breaking stuff, I know.  However, it goes wrong when they find out that their handlers are scum, with one of them being Vinnie Jones, a man who likes to carve up screaming babes in a basement.  Seagal and Mann decide to protect the one woman who has escaped and go to war with Jones and his crew to uh… atone for their sins.

The woman is Adina Stetcu by the way.  Hotter than hell and I mean that, which kind of eases the torment for people who for whatever reason which this piss ’till the end.  Great rack (real, a man can tell) and curiously tall, even if it was due to high heels, she is still taller than the Sensei in some scenes.  I like this one, a lot.  Any other praises?  When the camera is aimed at the actors (always a good idea) and the reel hasn’t been edited by a dog ripping the film to shreds, there are a few, and I mean a few, decent fight scenes with Seagal and Byron Mann.

Some of the dialogue is also funny, in a direct way.  “Fuck you bitch”, says Seagal to Vinnie Jones, before meeting him and telling him that he’s going to kill him, in a way also so lazy and nonchalant, yet sincere, that it is one of the few unintentional highlights of the movie.

But you know what wastes this movie?  It’s not the abominable script, which despite being bluntly simplistic is often baffling.  It’s not even the dog-cheap locations, or the laughably bad soundtrack, or the ‘they can’t be serious’ acting.  It’s the director.  Keoni Waxman hired two guys, Steven Seagal and Byron Mann, who looked to have at least put efforts into their fight scenes.  Mann gets some incredible kicks, Seagal gets some competent throws and punches.  But the camera work is lousy, like it was filmed by someone sending something into WorldStarHipHop.  Terrible angles, terrible focus with intermittent shaking.  To top it off?  The editing is garbage, ruinous.  When someone gets kicked… cut!  To something else.  It’s a mess.

Just stop this shit already.

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13 Comments

  1. Mucho Macho

    April 27, 2015 at 12:10 am

    My sensei is not going to be happy about this review.
    I swear Sensei i had no idea pupil Night Rider was gonna go rogue.
    please i ask u to forgive him since he clearly has been exposed to toxic fumes that wear leaking near the Redbox machine where he rented your latest masterpiece from.
    I have not seen this movie but i do know every one of sensei’s movies is 10/10
    I publicly apologize to sensei seagal but in the end we are all human & our brother Night is not feelin well hence the review.
    thank u sensei for protecting my nation the good ol’ U.S.of A. & for takin time to make these wonderful cinematic gems.
    * i salute sensei seagal..i suggest u all do as well..there is no wrath like sensei’s wrath

      • Mucho Macho

        April 27, 2015 at 6:19 am

        🔽🔽

    • jim

      April 27, 2015 at 12:53 am

      Another spit in the eye from Fat Bastard Sensei .He has hurt me again.

      • Mucho Macho

        April 27, 2015 at 6:33 am

        Well ..Looks like somebody else stop giving a fuck..
        *no lie*..McGyver/ Stargate himself Richard Dean Anderson just photographed this past week

    • The Night Rider

      April 27, 2015 at 11:34 am

      • Mucho Macho

        April 27, 2015 at 1:12 pm

        Lol
        Sensei does run his mouth doesn’t he?!
        Sensei will never go to prison..
        my government needs him to protect us..
        btw..Blade vs Casey Ryback…could be a good idea

  2. Andymovieman

    April 27, 2015 at 4:04 am

    Seagal needs to do more theatrical movies again and no more straight to video crap. Last good film he did was Machete. He also needs to lose some weight and be in the same shape he was in the 90s and be in Expendables 4.

    • Jimmy Smith

      April 28, 2015 at 3:42 am

      Are you on crack? they’ll never put him in a theatrical release again. It’s his own ego to blame an nobody else. At least a guy like JCVD got humbled.. I think of all the movies Seagal could of done instead of his enviro crap like Fire Down Below and On Deadly Ground.

  3. Mucho Macho

    April 27, 2015 at 6:22 am

    My sensei..
    when they say u are fat..
    They mean P.H.A.T.
    like hip hop artist rap about in their albums & fine C.D.’s
    P.H.A.T.
    Pretty Hot and Tempting

  4. CyrusTheVirus85

    April 27, 2015 at 3:31 pm

    I’ll never understand how these shitty movies make money. Never.

  5. Barney Ross

    April 27, 2015 at 4:34 pm

    Why is the forum closed again Knightrider? WTF

    • TheOldMcClane

      April 28, 2015 at 3:13 am

      Yeah, sadly Knight closed it. It was kind of dead though.