REVIEW: Precious Cargo (2016)

It took me two attempts to get through this movie, because it is bad.  As usual, I felt like I wanted to cover it on the basis of Bruce Willis’ involvement and I’m sure certain investors also wanted to lure unsuspecting consumers on the basis of that too.  Hey, Bruce Willis’ face is on the cover, along with some guy called Mark-Paul Gosselaar.  Now on this artwork, Bruce Willis’ head alone is three times the size of Gosselaar’s entire body, so shouldn’t this suggest that Bruce Willis has three times the screen time as Gosselaar?  Can you imagine my shock when it turned out that this was not the case? Have we been here before?

Bruce Willis plays a crime kingpin who is twisting the arm of a group of thieves, led by Gosselaar.  He says that they screwed him in a previous heist, therefore they must assist him in another one to make things square.  And so we follow Gosselaar and his somewhat love interest Claire Forlani, as they target an armoured truck and wade their way through Z-rate plot ‘twists’ and occasional threats from Willis.  If the plot sounds interesting in this semi black-comedy, trust me, it most certainly is not.

I mean let’s run down the VODmit check list here.  Extended intro, using footage from the movie itself in a montage that looks like it was cooked up by some aspiring YouTuber, in an attempt to fill out the 89 minutes?  Yes, along with other stuff like the end credits, I think the movie must be around the 80 minute mark.  Stuff like suspect CGI blood? Sure.  Another thing is Bruce Willis.  He’s in this movie a bit more than his other recent VOD efforts, but still the same old shit.  He shows up now and again playing a minority role, which is utterly phoned in.  He is sour, unhappy and wants to be somewhere else.

Also, is it weird that I know the back of Bruce Willis’ bald head and can tell when they find some other bald dude to stand in for him?  They do this in Steven Seagal and Jean Claude Van Damme movies too, I guess ’90s action stars are hard men to find on the set.

I’ve seen worse action scenes to be honest, the heist in the middle of the movie is not terrible, but this is hardly a compliment, it is unremarkable in that it’s probably not even worth watching on YouTube if it turns up there.  Also the intro sequence has an awesome theme tune, I can’t find the name of it, and it was the best thing about the movie, the awful attempt to ape a GTA loading screen notwithstanding.  Anyway, once upon a time Bruce Willis appearing in a heist movie would have been a big deal.

Now, it’s about as appealing as sticking your arm down a blocked drain.