Top Five: Reasons Nolan’s Batman Series Sucked

5) The Score For Each Is Laughably Rudimentary

Nolan’s Batman series sucked.  There are many reasons for this and I could sit here typing them all, but that would take a long time to read and an even longer time to write – maybe up to seven hours!  So anyway, let’s start off with crude musical score.  If you’ve ever listened to Danny Elfman’s Batman score, you know that it’s an exciting feast of exploration and character.  Nolan’s Batman score, however, is comprised of two notes.  Two.  You know the theme I’m talking about. And it never changes.  They simply change the pitch and tempo of it.  This is rudimentary and lazy composure.  Got an action sequence?  Here, take this two-note sound byte.  What’s that, you need something more dramatic?  Hold on there, let me alternate it slightly, sounds a bit different now. Congratulations.  Here, have a Saturn Award.

4) Chicks Did NOT Dig The Car!

The vehicles of the series.  They were shit.  Starting with ‘The Tumbler’.  Careful, you’re not allowed to call it the ‘Batmobile’ anymore, that would make us sound unintelligent, see.  Anyway, that thing is fucking hideous.  It looks like an Optimus Prime took a giant shit and put seats in it. Keaton’s Batmobile, now that thing was a pussy-wagon.  Did you see the look on Basinger’s face when she laid eyes on Keaton’s ride?  Instant score, helpless submission!  Keaton rigged her up with an extra seat for the bitches, of whom he’d take home to his lair.  His car was cool, sleek and Manly.  Another thing, isn’t it ironic that ‘The Tumbler’, in this so-called grounded reality universe, is severely impractical?  It’s hardly inconspicuous, suspect is driving a large barn, two lanes wide.  And what if Batman encounters a narrow alleyway?  Keaton had that one covered.  Lastly, there’s the Batcycle, or whatever Nolanites call it.  How does one control a bike with two monster truck wheels on it?  Anyone who has ever ‘rode’ will spot the worst flaw of all almost immediately – the Dark Knight rides this thing with his cape flowing over the rear wheel.  You want ‘grounded reality’?  Then call a spinal surgeon!

3) They’re Badly Written

These movies are badly written.  Any screenwriter who relies on ceaseless exposition to convey his story clearly hasn’t got the creativity, vision or confidence to give the director something to work with.  Welcome to the world of Jonathan Nolan.  And any director worth his salt will either reject such a poor screenplay or overcome it’s faults.  Not attempt to realise every last line, like he’s trying to build some furniture from an instruction manual.  Welcome to the world of Christopher Nolan.  In the Dark Knight Rises, after the opening sequence, the next 40 minutes of that movie are jam-packed with page after page of endless dialogue that is as near ceaseless as it is bereft of any substance.  The actors are told to frown real hard at each other during this tedium in order to try and sell it as a more serious piece of art, lest anyone actually notices that it is, in actuality, the screenwriting equivalent of a pile of (fresh) pigshit.

2) Bruce Wayne: Bit Of  A Dickhead

In Batman and Batman Returns, Bruce Wayne is a cool cat.  Christian Bale’s Bruce Wayne, let’s face it, is a dickhead.  He’s not really Bruce Wayne, hero to root for.  He’s some eccentric rich punk, bored of his billions so he indulges in some ‘abstract’ hobby.  The whole angst-ridden ‘who am I’ rich boy trek through Tibet – please, fuck off and handle it, bitch.  In the words of Brando’s Godfather, act like a man!  Keaton’s Bruce Wayne, on the other hand, was instantly more accessible.  He wasn’t like a Patrick Bateman variant, he was just like some guy who had inherited a billion, and he had a sense of humor: “To tell you the truth, I don’t think I’ve ever been in this room.”  Keaton’s Bruce Wayne also handled his turmoil like a man – by keeping his mouth shut and getting on with it.  Just like his Batman, by the way.  Keaton’s Batman was cool and reserved, only speaking when he needed to.  Bale’s Batman was a whiny, grunting, stressed dickhead.

1) They’re Badly Directed

The series is a multi-tiered directorial failure.  A director has control over everything.  Three times Nolan had a shit script presented to him.  Three times he accepted it.  Poorly paced, badly written.  Not only that, Nolan has no idea how to bring Batman to life.  Burton knew that a comic book movie must dance that fine threshold of sobriety and lunacy.  He nailed it, twice.  It takes balls to bring about a premise about a man in a bat-suit fighting crime.  It can’t be too camp or it will fail: Schumacher.  But neither can it be too serious, or it will fail: Nolan.  The trilogy does not resemble a Batman universe.  It looks like a hack Michael Mann fanboy was given many millions and tried to apply that superior director’s style to somewhere it does not belong.  Nolan lacks both the balls and creative vision to realise a Batman movie.  The action sequences – also horrible. What is the point of an action sequence where the viewer cannot discern what is happening to whom or when?  The shaking-cam phenomena is directorial cheating for a person incapable of filming action.  A good director can handle any genre.  Nolan, it seems, can handle none.