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REVIEW: Red Dawn (2012) - ManlyMovie

REVIEW: Red Dawn (2012)

Red-Dawn-12Red Dawn is a tale about a bunch of metrosexuals, cheerleaders and supermodels resisting the combined forces of Russia and North Korea.  Or generally speaking, just North Korea.  Originally, it was supposed to be the Chinese, but in a gutless act of cowardice the studio changed it to North Korea, with some Spetznaz. Now if you didn’t wonder how China, with one aircraft carrier, might invade a continental superpower, then you’d surely wonder how North Korea could do it.  Or more to the point, why North Korea would want to do it.  Well, you’ll still be wondering after this, because this movie doesn’t bother with the whys or hows.  Making sure the cast was Bieberish enough was priority.  

At least the original movie took the time to outline just what was happening strategically.  But then, John Millius wrote that, he had nothing to do with this movie.  In short, this is the American version of Tommorow When the World Began, when the cast of Neighbours and Home And Away conditioned their hair in the morning then fought wars in the evening.


You’d think that a movie about killing Commie invaders would be awesome.  Shit, it was in the original movie.  But that movie had Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen and the inimitable Powers Boothe.  Here, the cast is so annoying, so cookie cutter, so gay that… goddamnit, I was willing the Red Invaders to slaughter them at dawn.  Thor from The Avengers takes a bunch of 17 year old supermodels into the woods.  Two days later, they emerge as a deadly fireteam and annihilate enemy personnel in every engagement.  These ‘engagements’ are a hilarious sight to behold.  The Wolverines go in all guns blazing, without so much as an afterthought as to a safe, tactical approach.  And the enemy dies, all guns blazing, without so much as an afterthought as to standard operating procedure.  Weird.  

Take that pic above, how can you just stand around looking gay with an AKM during martial law?!  And after a hard days fighting, it’s back to the shack in the woods which has, presumably, hair conditioner and fashion items to pass around.  Even after an artillery bombardment on their camp, they all come out with perfectly styled hair and, more laughably, not remotely shaken.  Now in Band of Brothers, airborne troops have their souls rattled when artillery hits the trees around them.  See a problem here? I can also tell you that if you find the location of enemy partisans, you don’t fucking attempt to obliterate their camp using arty, you send in your special forces to capture them. So that you can interrogate them. Trust me on that. John Milius got it.

In one scene, Jeffrey Dean Morgan shows up.  He and a few other Marines run into the backwood metrosexuals.  The metrosexuals, one of whom is apparently Tom Cruise’s actor son (I’m assuming that is the gay(est) looking one, who also looks like Cruise), get the drop on the Marines, not knowing who they are.  The Marines then request the help of the Wolverines in fighting the invaders.  Now come the fuck on!  Marines, asking for cheerleaders (!) help.  The fuck outta here!  If you look closely in this scene, Jeffrey Dean Morgan has a hard time keeping a straight face.  It’s just so fucking shit… do you laugh or cringe?  

This is one of the differences from the original movie.  When Boothe meets the Wolverines, he pulls rank and assumes command.  He’s a Captain, a professional fighter.  And they let him.  Then there’s the action in this remake.  It’s soft assed shit.  And you can’t even tell what the fuck is happening.  Shaking cam.  Spazzed out editing.  Why bother?  The cast of this movie makes the Backstreet Boys look like Sons of Anarchy.  Josh Peck looks like the epitome of mextrosexuality, a manicured pansy.  Resistance soldier?  If Communist troops spotted him and his friends coming at them, they’d take them aside and rape them.

This would’ve been a cool movie, had it been made for adults. Imagine something like The Hurt Locker meets the original movie.  Good job fucking it up.  It’s barely even laughable.

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12 Comments

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  3. Anonymous

    February 24, 2013 at 5:42 pm

    It wouldn’t have been a good movie regardless because it was made in 2012. I don’t think anyone is competent anymore, not even the classic veterans! I’m sick of these pretty boy “macho” guys taking over Arnold and Sly’s shoes!

    – Greenberg the Almighty

  4. BradyDeez

    October 1, 2015 at 8:05 pm

    “The Wolverines go in all guns blazing, without so much as an afterthought as to a safe, tactical approach. And the enemy dies, all guns blazing, without so much as an afterthought as to standard operating procedure. Weird.”

    Sounds like an 80s action flick to me.

  5. Mucho Macho

    October 1, 2015 at 8:59 pm

    “..how can you just stand around looking gay with an AKM during martial law?!”
    & lines like that Mr. Night Rider are 1 of the reasons i love this site.

  6. Mainline DnB

    October 1, 2015 at 11:21 pm

    Josh Peck has one of the most punchable faces of any human being ever.

  7. Nick Thomas

    October 1, 2015 at 11:31 pm

    Don’t agree at all. I am a massive fan of classic action movies, but this is one of the very few remakes ever made that was good. Okay the main guy is bland as hell and a bit weak, but in every other regard it was damn good fun. Compared to the crap action movies we get every year, this was damn good. Not mind blowing or a masterpiece, but a very good film.

    And no, we don’t want anything close to the hurt locker, that was a turd, and a million miles from a manly movie.

    The concept of the original is amazing, and again, I am a big John Milius fan. However, despite some great ideas, it isn’t a masterpiece, and neither is this remake. I wouldn’t begin to compare which one is best because there is no point. Over many years of shit action movies, this is one that should have been supported.

    • Jimmy Smith

      October 2, 2015 at 3:11 am

      The main guy isn’t bland and weak, the whole fucking team is ! the review hits the nail on the head. This movie didn’t deserve to be remade. It is definitely a product of it’s time and doesn’t work in this modern era. Russians, you could believe or Even the Chinese in an alternate history could take the US and you could still believe it but North Korea? give me a fucking break. This PG piece of shite doesn’t need support at all .. How about supporting guys like Scott Adkins, Michael Jai White or actually good action movies from the last couple of years that absolutely tanked like Dredd, The Last Stand or Bullet To The Head . Those movies and actors deserve action fans support, not PC, Fag, bullshit like this turd. This like Robocop, Total Recall and Even the upcoming Ghostbusters Don’t need a remake ! and need to flushed down the toilet like the piece of shit it is…. Just my two cents though.

      • LHathaway

        October 2, 2015 at 5:04 am

        Underestimate the metrosexual’s at your own peril.

      • Nick Thomas

        October 2, 2015 at 9:58 am

        It doesn’t need to be believable. How many action movies are actually believable? There is room for a spectrum from realistic to balls to the wall, to completely fun, and whilst many suck at PG, this didn’t.
        I did support the Last Stand, Bullet to the Head and Dredd. though didn’t see Dredd in the cinema, it wasn’t available in 2D, and the 3D fad is pathetic.
        As for supporting actors? No, I support good movies. I hope good actions stars do good movies, but if they don’t, well I am not going to watch garbage because of a name.
        You are right about Total Recall, Ghostbusters and Robocop remakes though, all total crap. Remakes are always gonna get made, most will suck, but its not guaranteed.
        Some movies don’t need to be R (though anything called Terminator or the Expendables does). Let’s face it, if the original Red Dawn was released today in its original form, it would get a PG13 rating too, it isn’t that violent.

  8. Shawn Gordon

    October 2, 2015 at 5:08 am

    I feel you were to kind this unbearable monstrosity! More like a 2/10

  9. Barney Ross

    October 5, 2015 at 4:33 pm

    4/10 HAHAHAHAHA way too generous, 0/10 more like it