Expendables 3: The Crap Humor Must Go

The main problem with The Expendables 2, although it was most definitely still a Manly Movie, was when it was trying to be funny.  It didn’t work, mostly.  The worst parts of the movie was easily the self referential ‘comedy’, particularly the references to older movies.  For example, references to Rambo and, worse, Chuck Norris’ entire appearance.  That scene with Norris in particular was embarrassing.  Like I said in an older rant, when Chuck Norris showed up in The Expendables 2, it was like running into an old uncle at a nightclub – you want the exit, fast.  With the probable death of a cast member in Expendables 3, as rumored, we’d hoped that lessons might have been learned…

Well, not so fast.  Antonio Banderas recently described his role in the movie as comedic in nature.  Not a big deal, you might think.  But more recently, last week I think, Banderas appeared on Spanish TV and allegedly said the entire movie is a big, fun comedy actioner.  That’s not what we want to hear.  If this is true, it’s bad news.  I’m not sure who keeps insisting on this, maybe Stallone, who kept up his track record in Expendables 2 of not being able to ‘do’ comedy, but they gotta make sure that this problem doesn’t return or at least doesn’t fester.  So this is an appeal at the 11th hour, wind this shit down.  No goofy cringe worthy crap.

That’s not to say a good action movie shouldn’t have any humor, but too much salt will destroy a good meal.  It’s possible to balance a nice 75:25 or even 60:40 ratio.  See the Lethal Weapon’s of old, or the 48 Hrs’ of old.  The Expendables 3 should aspire towards the latter, but carefully.  It has to be a darker and more brutal movie, but also capable of making us laugh at the story – not reminisce about older movies or – for fuck sake – online jokes about the actors.  I’m not saying no one liners – those are a given, just no ‘fourth wall’ one liners.  Aside from being shit, the constant reference to the past in Expendables 2 was like an admission of finality, like they got nothing less in the tank.  I wanna hear new Arnie one liners and put downs.

Do it right this time, boys…