New Rambo Game Looks Unspeakably Awful

It seems most have just about gotten over the trauma of Aliens: Colonial Marines (review), on paper it was an exciting military-based action sequel to Aliens.  In execution though, it was ghastly shit that played like ass and had a story even worse than the gameplay.  Even Michael Biehn, who deemed himself too good for Stallone and The Expendables 2, curiously wasn’t above appearing in such poop. It seemed that it could never be outdone in the annals of Manly Movie video game tie-ins in terms of sheer unadulterated slurry. 

Hold the phone… new contender:  Rambo: The Video Game.

The game will be based on the original Rambo trilogy (the fourth isn’t included) and from the first screenshot it was apparent that this wasn’t exactly being made on a large budget.  Instinct told us that it was going to be average at best.  But it wasn’t until gameplay videos surfaced that two things became apparent.  Firstly they proved that the screenshots are what are know in the gaming industry as ‘bullshots’, i.e. screen captures that are deliberately modified by the developer to make the graphics look better than they actually are in motion.  The game looks worse than feared.

Secondly, the actual ‘gameplay’ videos, which look point-and-laugh awful, show a rail-shooter.  This is a term not heard since the 1990’s, where such games only existed mostly in arcades.  A rail-shooter moves the player on a predetermined avenue where enemies would be shot with a light gun.  Except this game will not facilitate usage of a light gun.  It is in effect a light gun game with no light gun.  Just what were they thinking?  Maybe they thought that such a setup would lend itself well to touch-screen devices, except this game is appearing on home consoles (PS3/360).

If you think this is bad, get ready for possibly worse news.  The same company behind this game,  Reef Entertainment, have acquired the rights to do the same thing for the Terminator franchise.  That’s right, look at the above shit and think of The Terminator and Terminator 2 getting the same treatment.  Their next game is called Terminators: The Video Game and will be based on the first two movies.  And you know something, I wouldn’t wish that game on a broke dick dog.  Someone stop the Reef reign of terror!