REVIEW: Mercenaries (2014)

Runtime: 89 Mins
Rated: R
What To Expect: Bullets and botox – with females this time

Ahead of our review of The Expendables 3, today we take a look at a similar movie, even though it’s got an exclusively  female lineup.  A female ‘Expendables’ with B-movie action-ettes shooting Asylum’s extras/crew in the middle of some field.  Movies like these, like all ensembles, need a good cast.  For a second-tier (let’s be generous with that one) movie, the cast isn’t so bad.  Brigitte Nielson, Cynthia Rothrock, Zoë Bell and Kristanna Loken.  You know, the Terminatrix from Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines.  Nielson is probably the most recognisable here, a strong resume indeed with Beverly Hills Cop 2, Rocky IV and Cobra under her belt.  It’s an Asylum movie though, so abandon hope all ye who enter…

Anyway, the president’s daughter has been kidnapped!  And the ‘Mercenaries’ (Bell, Loken, Nicole Bilderback and Vivica A. Fox) are recruited by the government to retrieve her from lunatic Brigitte Nielson’s grasp.  So umm… on to the important stuff.  Sex.  A quote kept entering my head when watching this movie, a line Steve Buscemi once uttered: “Where could a guy find some action?”.  Not that type of action, I’m talking about sex and nudity, particularly from the best looking of the bunch, Kristanna Loken.  Alas, there is none, which pretty much removes the reason why any of us might remotely avoid changing the channel, should it accidentally appear on TV some night. But that’s understandable, they’re not going to do that for the shitty paycheques offered here.

The other problems with the movie?  First, Cynthia Rothrock is cameoing basically, in a ‘Mr. Church’ role.  Not good enough.  Zoë Bell carries most of the movie.  She’s a competent screen fighter and stunt woman, but her skills are betrayed by horrific editing where blows and knocks happen as one frame cuts to another. I am also sad to report that this movie is sexist!  The women are either victims of men, portrayed as chauvinist neanderthals, or kicking the asses of men.  Also, in this movie the least they could’ve done was hold the fucking camera steady.  I understand that they are working with dimes and coupons here, to complete a movie like this, but there is no excuse for spazzing out the lens.  Enough of this shit!  These B-movies have a chance to offer something different, in the day and age when blockbusters are filming incoherent jibberish in the same way.  Hold it steady… the likes of Bell can entertain, if you give them a chance.

As opposed to nothing, I am going to give this a score of three.  Because I like Brigitte Nielson’s ‘unique’ acting and demeanour and Zoë Bell earns her money.