REVIEW: Exists (2014)

Runtime: 84 Mins
Rated: R
What To Expect: 84 minutes which could be better applied elsewhere, such as doing anything else in this world but watching ‘Exist’

Sometimes a movie is just so obviously bad, even without seeing a trailer, that all you need to do in a review is to confirm a total waste of time.  To put the warning shortly, follow your intuition and don’t do it.  Don’t watch this movie.  If for some reason you need details on the hows and whys, well, imagine a Blair Witch rip off combined with a Predator rip off.  Replace the witch and Predator with a man in a suit, posing as a homicidal sasquatch.  Come on, man.  What more do you need to know?  Maybe for some, this movie will be good ‘drinking material’.   Even then…

The movie follows four coed douchebags on a camera-recorded trip into the woods, to spend the weekend at the cabin of an uncle belonging to one of the jocks.  I stress the word douchebag here.  Noisy, no-name models who tried their hand at acting in bush league projects like this.  It was barely ten minutes before I had decided that I was going to root for Big Foot.  Anyway, sure enough Big Foot shows up and starts molesting and beating the cast to a pulp.  At which point they barricade their stoner-cabin.  However, the beast cannot be reasoned with and starts smashing its way in.  I guess this could pass for ‘so bad it’s good’ shit-faced entertainment, i.e. stoned or wasted at 4am.

See, it may not have been the director’s intention, in fact I know it wasn’t, but the animal is kinda funny.  First is its scream, which sounds like a cow giving birth.  Then, for example, is one laugh out loud incident where the beast lifts and seemingly gropes one of the bimbos (sorry, I can’t even be bothered to Google these ‘actors’), breathing heavily as it does so, like it wants some action.  The joke grows thin though by the 40 minute mark.  Maybe you’ll feel satisfied by the ‘twist’ at the end, but I’d wager that the shaking camera, horrible acting and laughably cardboard script will have overwhelmed you long before that.

Wait for the scene where the beast is trying to grab one of the females through the front door to appear on YouTube, for a 2 minute laugh.  Other than that, I can’t simply recommend this slop to anyone.  An extra point for unintended comedy.