REVIEW: Justin Lee Collins Vs Steven Seagal

Runtime: 50 Mins
Rated: N/A
What To Expect: The single greatest Seagal doc ever

Do you know how many students of the wise Sensei there are out there?  Many.  There is perhaps no-one quite like Master Seagal, deadly fighter, former CIA agent, Vietnam Veteran and former Navy SEAL, policeman and spiritual healer.  Some of us will openly admit to being obsessed with this legend, including celebrities even.  One such devout and dedicated student is Justin Lee Collins, who presents in the United Kingdom on TV, or something.  He obsessively attempted to get a behind the scenes look at Steven Seagal’s private life and one day the miracle happened – one of the reincarnated monk’s agents gave the go ahead.  Collins is of course, a troll, but also at the same time a real fan, obsessed with the outrageous reputation of the man, so this made for amazing viewing.

Collins starts the show in England where he declares that he can’t approach this once in ten lifetime’s opportunity without first buying the grandmaster a gift – so he buys him some Japanese slippers.  Collins knows the score and is winking at the audience to set the tone, but at the same time is quite serious – reciting a phonebook of Seagal one-liners, he’s no normal fan, like we at ManlyMovie.

Collins’ first encounter with Chief Seagal is on the set of True Justice.  Collins spots the man himself and cannot contain himself and walks straight into a take, where Seagal is about to deliver a line.  “You fucked up my take”.  “Oh my God, sorry, sir, sir I…”.  “What the fuck, you’re fucking up my take”.  It’s about as tense as it is funny as the real Seagal loses his temper.  Collins is afraid he’s screwed up his documentary, his fears are doubled when later, Seagal stonewalls Collins and drives past him, giving him a stare of death.  Seagal knows who he is, Collins gives chase on foot.  When Seagal’s convoy stops, a disgruntled Seagal becomes more conscious of the cameras and takes Collins to his trailer.

Later, Collins is invited to Seagal’s private residence and this is where this show develops as the greatest Steven Seagal documentary ever.  A captivated Collins is shown Seagal’s private collection of guitars and how the Sensei keeps an assault rifle with 100 rounds of ammunition ready to go at his bedside, unlike the other assault rifles with only 20 rounds laying around randomly downstairs.  The house is also furnished with bullet proof glass in every room.  Collins finds out that the stories of Seagal are no exaggerations.  And during the entire show, Seagal’s famous “I can’t stand this dumbass and his shitty questions but I’m going to do my best to look like a cool and wise elder” demeanour.

Then, one of the greatest things ever.

Collins knows to rub the ego of Seagal, in order to get some good outrageous ‘stories’ from him.  He asks him if he’d ever been challenged to fight whilst running a dojo in Japan.  Seagal then says “every day”, and goes on to tell a story that is curiously similar (not that I’d accuse Seagal of plagiarism!) to a real story involving Bruce Lee.  Seagal says one day a deadly fighter showed up and that he knew this was “the guy”.  Steven says he knew to look in the man’s eye that he wanted to fight to the death.  Then, pre-empting his mortal foe, Seagal says he performed a running flying kick.  Whilst in the air, says the Sensei, he realised the man was only joking.  But it was too late.  The kick connected, sending the man flying 20 feet through the establishment’s doors, down a flight of stairs, knocking him unconscious.

The icing on the cake is the bonus of hearing Master Seagal laugh in hysterics for the first time, during a three way conversation between he, Collins and unhinged nut Sheriff Joe Arpaio.  I’ve never heard Seagal laugh like that before.

Amazing.  I envy Justin Lee Collins.