REVIEW: Vice (2015)

Runtime: 96 Mins
Rated: R
What To Expect: Bruce Willis cameoing in truly dire DTV schlock to make a buck, can’t be bothered to learn his lines

I dunno man.  I don’t know how much longer I can do it.  Sit through Bruce Willis’ money-grabbing DTV hoaxes.  “What is that?”  Well let me answer in further detail here.  Or to put it more succinctly, it’s when actors who have more money than they could ever really spend appear in really (really) awful DTV movies in extended cameos, where the entire production is based on whether or not they actually show up and work their 10 hours or so, which translates into mere minutes on screen.  Chances are they haven’t even read the script.  The producers then stick their faces on DTV covers and ship them to stores, to screw over older, less than tech savvy customers, who know and like Bruce Willis.  Here, Willis is at it again.  Shame on him.

What happens when a high concept story is given a low budget?  I’ll tell you what, the process results in unwatchable trash more often than not.  I’ll say it before and I’ll say it again, DTV movies need to stick to simple concepts executed to the best of their ability.  Think Universal Soldier 3, or other movies that knew their own limitations.  In this movie, Bruce Willis is running a debauchery den where people can show up and fuck or even murder androids.  One of them escapes and suddenly develops its own consciousness. Then, cop Thomas Jane tries to use the walking blow-up doll to bring down Willis and his shady empire. The movie plagiarizes i-Robot, Universal Soldier and Jesus, even RoboCop.

It’s bad man.  For 96 long gruelling minutes I was writhing in boredom and frustration.  Aside from the odious ‘message’ of female empowerment (those goddamned abusive men!),  it’s rammed to the hilt with clichés, with tension that doesn’t grip and intrigue that doesn’t interest.  The acting is atrocious with O-list actors wearing down the will to live, or continue watching at least.  Set aside Tom Jane, who as usual, goes to work and puts the hours in.  His character comes across as realistic, even if written atrociously.

Finally, a word on Bruce Willis.  Fuck you, man.  I’ll tell you how bad it is here – possibly worse than ever.  Why?  Because I spotted Bruce Willis visibly reading from a cue card!  I looked at his eyes panning from right to left as he was reading – what did I say about these people probably not even reading the script?  Willis has officially entered Steven Seagal territory.  You can almost feel the rushed schedule of Willis’ limited filming time happening right in front of you, spaced out over the movie to try and cover it up.  I don’t know how many minutes he is in there, but it certainly wouldn’t be more than 10.

This is my warning to anyone reading this.  Do not watch this movie and do not fuel Willis’ greed.  A slap in the fucking face!