What Would You Do In A Zombie Apocalypse?

Ever see those pussies in movies/TV in a ‘zombie apocalypse’ doing it all wrong?  Would you do anything different? Here’s how it should really be done, a ManlyMovie manual.. Note: This pre-supposes that you have my own crew of ‘associates’. You’re in America (just because). It’s day one, you’re mobile, have one week’s rations and are lightly armed. Nothing else.

1) Declare war, rename yourself

The ethos would be simple: In a zombie apocalypse, the deadliest creature on Earth, though fewer in number, would still be the human. A deadly mammal indeed. Thus, you must take use of the developing situation to take over the world.  Losers complain about their best.  Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.

Declare war (very important, that part), don’t worry about against who yet, but the zombies are a good start and eventually anyone not around to your ‘way of thinking’. Also, give yourself a new name, that of a manly conqueror, for example Mr. Bethlehem.  Promote yourself to General.  General Bethlehem, sounds good. Now, embark on a policy of expansionist, land grabbing, hipster extermination (and uh, zombies too). The idea being on establishing a nucleus, expanding to one state over, let us say, a five year period, over the continent over a 25 year period. It wouldn’t be so much a problem of zombies – those are poor combatants and idiotic – rather a question of logistics. Y’see, pissants like Brad Pitt (World War Z) or those Walking Dead whiners are short-sighted, scared little bitches.  Us, we’re thinking big, Roman Empire big. Men strategise, bitches worry who their wife is fucking among the survivors.

2) Invade a town, quarantine it

Select a town to quarantine, preferably with a former population less than 10,000. The idea is simple: Establish a foothold, then a perimeter and gradually push it to the town’s outskirts. This is done by general house clearance, locking a street down, to locking a suburb down and so forth. With the town locked down, collect supplies it may offer and make an inventory. The town will preferably have a river running through it. A river serves several purposes: It can be used as a mode of transport, i.e. an exit can be made by boat in an emergency. Secondly, it can remove sewage and bring food (assuming it has good fishing). Third, a possible source of renewable energy. Fourth, it can be used as a defensive buffer zone.

With the town locked down, work should begin on its final defences. E.g. the excavation of a possible moat or re-routing of the river itself, the construction of watch towers. Ideally, the town should be in a southern locale and out of bounds of nuclear reactors facing potential/eventual maintenance problems. The place must be renamed (from whatever it was) to ‘Val Verde’. Just because.

3) Raid essentials

Next, since it is assumed that the newly established Val Verde is always one-week away from a logistical crisis, raids must be made in ‘Indian Territory’. Essentials for example include fresh water and antibiotics. Or gasoline, which can be used as both a fuel and a weapon. Don’t forget salt, salt is a commodity that can be used to cure food, cleanse etc. Other necessities include generators, weapons, ammunition, batteries and vehicles.  And woman.  Oh God, women.

The vehicles/cars must be a commonly owned type, so that spares are always within reach and there are enough similar cars to cannibalise. Assuming they have not succumbed to the outbreak, livestock must be imported to Val Verde along with grain and fertilizer. All attempts to find radios must be made. Dogs are desired, they are proven loyal, intelligent and good for security. Survivors are to be generally ignored, unless they can offer a unique contribution. Shakespeare-quoting who speak to their donkeys are to be shot on sight.

Additionally, efforts must be made with a view to constructing a giant screen to showcase nightly Dolph Lundgren movies.

4) Long term requirements/Pest control

With essentials established, long term needs must be taken into consideration. The expansion of (what is assumed to be already established) militia into a full blown military. A slow process, each armed recruit must be properly vetted. The armed group is the nucleus and rulers of the population. No coups can be launched against the original group of small pioneers. It (the army) must protect an authoritarian government and its citizens, in that order. Aside from bolstering the armed centre, other ideal additions from across the wasteland are: Doctors, mechanics, pilots, engineers. Specialised vehicles such as lightly armed military vehicles that may be used to conquer desirable human outposts/opponents, farming equipment etc. Engineers must work on long term aspirations such as refining raw oil deposits into richer gasoline.

Nitrous oxide is desirable, for chasing down pissants fleeing in vehicles who are not amenable to honourable compromises. You can find nitrous oxide at a typical abandoned dental practitioners.

5) Expansion

With Val Verde established as self-sufficient, the capital of the ‘new world’, it will not be enough to merely watch its perimeter. Whereas one town can be taken by house clearance, one county can be taken be town clearance. In between this, a general policy of extermination of ‘zombies’ and human enemies is adapted.  Crush your enemies if they resist, you know what to do with their women.  For example, a group of people in an abandoned prison led by a hormonal pansy ex-cop not surrendering their abnormal weapons cache.

In such a scenario, they must be surrounded and given one hour to surrender food, weaponry and women of healthy breeding age.  Hell, all of their women. Refusal will be met with the line from Dawn of the Dead “You just fucked up, because we don’t like people who don’t share!” over a loudspeaker, before said outpost/grouping is mercilessly annihilated. This, henceforth, being SOP for cantankerous bandits. Over the larger map, towns must be established as liberated and preferably connected by river, radio, rail and/or courier. Laws must be drawn up, civilisation now firmly re-established. As soon as the military rules over the population, limited conscription introduced. And thus, the expansion begins in earnest.

6) Sought after survivors

General Bethlehem will request the presence of esteemed individuals! Some people, if they survive, will find themselves particularly welcome by the new establishment. In time, scouting partys will be sent to their former addresses. Gene Hackman, for example, if found alive, will be appointed Ruler of Australia (don’t worry, Gene, the invasion of which will hopefully come before General Bethlehem retires.) Mel Gibson will be deemed extremely sought after and, if alive, to be appointed General Bethlehem’s personal advisor. If found to be dead, reprisals in the state of California to be carried out and 72 hours of mourning ordered. Others, while sought after, will have bounty’s on their head. Kirk Douglas, for example, assumed to have survived because nature is thus far doing a poor job in killing him, must be executed for being a known rapist.

The addresses of Bill Clinton and all of his associates, to be ransacked then burned to the ground.

7) Full spectrum dominance

Finally, having conquered the former USA, state by state, raiding all former US Military outposts and fitted out a full mechanized division, an invasion of Canada begins. Well, that of Canada that we could give a fuck about. The invasion is stalled, raided gasoline stockpiles are dwindling – lack of fuel and beach front properties are cited. Eventually, R&D in oil refinery makes a breakthrough. Oil can now be used and refined to suit all transport needs, afterall, crude can’t power the 1st ever mechanized division or citizen motors by itself, it has to be turned into guzoline. The wells of Texas are seized and the invasion of Mexico begins. Within 25 years, North America is conquered and leftism outlawed.

The only thing to do then?  Write memoirs, of course…