Runtime: 85 Mins
What To Expect: Film waste, from the bowels of DTV hell
This thing has been laying on top of my player for weeks, maybe even months. It was giving off a bad vibe, almost like the disc wanted to warn me of something. Anyway, last night I had made the decision that it was either going into the player or into the trash. Well obviously, here we are – guess where it ended up eventually? I had to Google it actually, and the promise of a Lucy Pinder appearance had me pressing the play button. Big mistake. this direct to video yarn, directed by Neil Jones and written by Simon Cluett is pretty fucking bad stuff. It also has ‘that guy from The Krays’, an older, greyer Martin Kemp.
The premise of this movie is that a former special ops assassin (high five for originality) is forced to gun down people by a geezer with a distorted voice on the other end of the blower. The voice sounds like a prank call to a radio show, which although I’m not sure was intentional, does present 20-30 seconds of humour. He has his daughter, y’see. ‘They took his daughter’… I can’t believe even the most incompetent of writers would really go there, what are they teaching in screenwriting classes these days? So anyway, the former special forces killer, Martin Kemp, must use his sniping skills to do some devious work. Over the 85 minutes that this movie runs through, everything from Die Hard With a Vengeance to the Bourne series to SAW is badly ripped off. And thrown into a blender mixed with rancid shit.
I’m telling you, I could barely decipher what the hell this movie was about. The film tries to be a highly sophisticated terrorist thriller, jumping from one scenario to another with gruesomely inept and cheap ‘action’ scenes linking them all. Take one fight with two chavs in a stairwell with Kemp. It was possibly the single worst piecing of film directing I’ve seen in the past decade, outside Ken Shamrock’s ‘The Bunker’ that is. Shaking cameras, baffling editing and cutting and really, really bad choreography.
There isn’t even weapons porn in this movie, like the poster would suggest. it’s just a guy running around aimlessly while some weekend actors put in shockingly poor perforfmances. Worse, Lucy Pinder is only in this thing for about a minute. This movie is so bad that I can’t even stand to think about it any further, so I’m not typing anything else.
Mars farting khan
July 17, 2015 at 4:35 pm
Great review oh and I farted