REVIEW: The Transporter Refueled (2015)

Before watching this I had read from at least one source that the movie was extraordinarily sexist. I sat there baffled, wondering what the world was coming to and how anyone could have possibly found sexism in what I was looking at. Evidently, we just have to take their word for it that it’s there, that someone, somewhere, is being offended by something.  Somehow.  Indeed though, The Transporter Refueled is an offensive movie.  I am offended by its wanton franchise whoring and how blatant an exercise in corner cutting it is.  This movie is from the editor of the third movie, director of Brick Mansions and also contributor to Taken 2 and Colombiana.  All poor movies.

Frank Martin is back, but not as we know him and not in a sequel.  The Transporter Refueled is not related to Jason Statham’s trilogy.  In this movie, Ed Skrein takes the title role and transports suspect goods to and fro, amid inaccurate PG-13 bullets and suspect CGI.  Martin, this time around, goes head to head with a mysterious female gangster and her three female cohorts, who themselves want to take down a notorious Russian mobster.  Of course, the guy would have to be Russian – yawn – just a side note, the more you try to get me to hate Russia by way of movies, the more I’m actually going to do the opposite.  Ray Stevenson shows up as The Transporter senior, to lecture his son on the ills and dangers of his ways.

Everything about this movie screams ‘we could not afford Statham this time around, but please pretend nothing has changed’.  Popular scenes from the original movies are ripped off, poorly, such as The Transporter refusing to give his car to some thugs in an empty car lot.  He then beats them up, but the difference here is that Ed Skrein is no Jason Statham and the fight scenes are not fun.  Both because Skrein lacks the former’s athletic ability and the editing is bafflingly jumbled up.  The old films were almost Commando-like parodies, always pushing the boundaries of sheer stupidity.  But this movie like a parody of those movies, only with a slashed budget and a lead with no personal charisma either.

Why didn’t they try something complete different?  Did they have to use the same old Audi, with their annoying product placement?  The same suit?  The same soundtrack, only cheaper?  They could’ve swerved us with a Smokey and the Bandit type update.  Instead, it’s whore o’clock and you’re not getting your money’s worth, they even take a picture of Skrein for the cover that deliberately somewhat looks like Statham, to the casual eye.  The only commendable things are a lack of shaking camera (but practically ruined by spazzed-out editing) and a nice performance by Ray Stevenson.

Do not make a sequel to this!  ManlyMovie, out.