REVIEW: The Asian Connection (2016)

I don’t say stuff like this too often, but this is among the top five worst movies I’ve ever looked at. Steven Seagal’s Sniper: Special Forces is another recent entry into the top five worst movies I’ve ever seen, while Ken Shamrock’s ‘The Bunker’ is still the single worst movie I’ve ever seen and the only movie I’ve rated 0/10 on this site.  Although I didn’t think I’d ever come near that kind of level again, boy is Steven Seagal intent on doing it.  This movie, The Asian Connection, is excruciating.  Even by the standards of VODmit, this is low, nasty stuff.

The film tracks two actors who go on robbing sprees in central Asia.  These two white boys, John Edward Lee and Byron Gibson, cross a mob boss – the distended, waxy looking Steven Seagal.  In order to redeem themselves, they must rob even more banks used as fronts for other criminal empires.  Each bank they enter looks remarkably similar, like they filmed separate heists in the same room from different angles, which has a suspiciously fake looking safe in the corner.  They then make their getaways on two modern bikes, riding under the speed limit and with care, probably to avoid damaging the bikes they’ve rented for the movie.

The DTV cameo con shows up in the form of Michael Jai White, the only interesting figure in the movie who will be missed if you go take a piss.  The same con is refined as Seagal shows up for 30-60 second intervals throughout the movie.  Sometimes he’ll mumble some words then leave the frame with a large breasted woman.  Other times he’ll sit opposite a different large breasted woman and muse about fish, and if they are sentient beings like the rest of us.  The sound editing is truly horrific and lazy, music darts in and out roughly, dialogue is dubbed badly, and other sentences are accompanied by a strange ‘buzzing’ noise, as if Seagal’s words were lifted from an out-take that wasn’t really finished.  But I doubt he hung around long enough for ‘takes’.

Most of the movie revolves around Lee and his ‘rebel’ conundrum, while the action scenes feature shitty CGI blood and ultra fake muzzle blasts.  It basically has no redeeming value and is an affront upon the fans of Michael Jai White and Steven Seagal, by Michael Jai White and Steven Seagal.