This Is What Lara Croft Is Supposed To Look Like

Let’s face it, the story of the new Tomb Raider is probably going to be awful.  What that leaves is action and sex appeal.  While I’m not confident about the action either and while Alicia Vikander has sex appeal, she is no Lara Croft.

Again, don’t come at me with “it’s a new type of movie, with substance, where looks don’t matter”.  Bullshit, everyone knows this is wishful feminist thinking and that this movie is going to be dire stuff.

The new movie actually looks like it shares problems with the new games.  The new games fashion and promote themselves as a Batman Begins style grounded, realistic reboot.  The problem is that they aren’t and that dumb people are confusing a grim narrative with a good narrative.  I hate it when people do that; look how serious it is!  This means it’s good!

This is what Lara Croft is supposed to look like

The old games, in the 1990’s, had no narrative but at least they more of a thinking man’s game.  You had to find your own way out of a problem, mostly in atmospheric isolation.  In the new games, it’s basically a third-person feminist Call of Duty.  On rails, you kill hordes of enemies, making sure there’s enough QTE for the dumb iPhone gamers who are trying out console games for the first time.  In the new games, I had to quit because of the try-hard cringe and the linear button-mashing, the refusal to let me figure things out for myself.

Are we going to get the same shit in this movie?  It looks that way.  Already, it’s trying too hard.  It’s trying too hard to bury Lara Croft’s sex appeal (because emphasizing that is sexist, y’see) and turn her into John Rambo, from First Blood.  A sinewy grim-faced cyborg who isn’t allowed to be buxom or sultry.

I’m not saying the old movies were good, they were shit.  But at least Lara Croft looked like Lara Croft and Angelina Jolie had fun in the role.

Also, what the Christ is going on with Lara Croft’s neck? She has a neck like a dinosaur, horrible Photoshopping…