Ain’t nobody got time for Chuck Norris in Expendables 3!

I thought at one point briefly of doing one of those fan edits for The Expendables 2.  Great movie, but I was hoping for a DC that ‘ironed things out’ like the first.  And among cutting out the bad humor, I was going to remove Norris completely.  You see, when I think of Chuck Norris, I don’t think of Clint Eastwood or Sylvester Stallone.  Instead, I think David Hasselhoff.  Bruce Campbell.  But while those guys know how to firmly plant tongue in cheek, are up for a good time and are in on the joke, it seems that Chuck Norris never got the memo.  Apparently Stallone had to work real hard on Norris to get him to appear in EX2, who does he think he is?  And don’t tell me it’s because he’s old.  De Niro isn’t that much younger, yet Stallone is doing a movie with him this year.

And then when Norris finally did appear in the movie, it was fucking awful.  Easily the worst part of the movie.  It was like an old uncle showing up at a house party.  Then again, later in the movie at the final battle, it was like the old bastard tracking you down later in the night again at a club.  I don’t want Norris in the Expendables 3.  Even as a cameo.  Especially since the guy thinks he’s the fucking Don of Action.  Chuck, I only watch your old movies to laugh at them.  Much like Seagal’s current DTV ‘work’.

And don’t get me started on the PG fiasco.  I remember when Norris, oddly dressed in full ‘Walker: Texas Ranger’ regalia, a show that had long since been cancelled, appeared on TV and declared that The Expendables 2 had been entirely rewritten to meet his demands.  PG demands.  To real action fans, this was akin to being told that Pearl Harbor had been bombed  We don’t want no more of that shit.  One more time. I don’t want Chuck Norris in The Expendables 3.  I didn’t like him in The Expendables 2.  I suppose you could say, I never really liked him all that much.  By the way, Stallone seems hellbent on chasing Seagal.  Another guy who is only good for laughing at, yet being oblivious to the joke, yet still holding a steadfast belief in his own superstardom.  Weird.