LIVE REVIEW: The Keeper (2009), With Steven Seagal

Run Time: 95 Mins
Rated: R

A different type of review today, we’re gonna tackle Mr. Seagal’s ‘The Keeper’ as it’s watched.  This type of review seems to work best, or only with, Seagal’s backlog of DTV action/thrillers.  And probably not for the right reasons.

Enough talk.  Begin.

Start: Seagal is raiding a drugs den with his partner.

5:00: Seagal and his partner in drugs den, breached with bodies here and there. They spot a ton of dirty money.  Seagal’s partner wants to take the money.  The Sensei declares in ebonics that that ain’t gon’ happen, breh.

6:00: Seagal has been shot in the heart by partner!  On a hilarity scale of 1-10, the look on Seagal’s face as he’s trying to act/convey the pain of being shot in the heart… 8.5/10.  Seagal looks like he’s taking a dump on the can.  Seagal’s partner flees the scene.

8:30: Chief of police reveals to dirty partner that Seagal has survived the attack.  Yes!

10:30: Seagal is in the hospital, miraculously the wound to the heart has moved seven inches to the upper left to his shoulder. Good job doctors. In the corridor Seagal’s partner lurks, coming to finish the job.

11:30: Heinous music alerts us that the hit is about to go down.  Crooked partner enters the room as Seagal lays on the bed, recovering (or, perhaps, meditating).  Crooked partner observes and remarks that Seagal is “one tough son of a bitch”.  Remember, this movie was written by the Sensei himself.

11:32: Seagal shoots him dead!

13:30: SOME TIME LATER…  Apparently the police have no interest in Seagal’s killing of a man in hospital.  As he’s pumping iron, a hot woman (9/10) enters the room and starts complimenting Seagal. “I’ve seen you do shit that’s beyond belief”.  Seagal acknowledges the additional comment that follows, that he’s the “greatest SWAT operative in policing history”, with an incoherent mumbling gesture.  Perhaps originally intended as dialogue.

13:45: Seagal eyeballs hot woman.

27:00: After retiring from the force, Seagal flies to ‘Mexico’ (Romania?) to help a friend whose daughter has been the recent targeting of kidnappings.  Seagal brings four suitcases full of firearms with him.

30:00: On the streets of Mexico, Seagal pulls up a car to a scene where some street thugs are roughing up a woman.  Seagal approaches and punches one in the face.  For his trouble, a knife-wielding assailant approaches Seagal. “Mawfuckah am gon’ cut you up!” With a squinting but steady eye, The Master bends the man’s (fake) arm like spaghetti.  Walking away, the Seagal quips “Hey, you dun forgot yo knife, mang!” (actual dialogue), and throws the knife expertly to the side of the pissant’s head, missing.  Thrilling stuff. Impressed, the hot woman leaves by Seagal’s side.

32:30: Rear stand in double, or Seagal has lost 70lbs

35:00: Steven Seagal – “Ma daddy from Texus!” And:  “Yes sir”.  Okay, Steve.

50:00: To be honest, 50 minutes in and I still have no idea what the fuck this show is about.  There are no bad guys, just Seagal hanging out with a hot broad.  The unintentional humor is starting to not cover the costs.  Feeling like pulling the plug.

54:00: Seagal tails the girl’s boyfriend, to “see what he’s up to”.  In the background, Pink Panther-esque sneaking music plays, without a hint of irony or comedy.  It’s serious, re-upping the humor ante.  Even better, the Seagal’s ‘tailing’ is suspect, hanging right on the guy’s ass.  A 6’5 350lb man following you in an old Chevy wearing shades.  Seagal beats up some further party-goers, I’m not sure what why that one guy deserved a kick in the balls – my attention is slipping.

57:00: Man, this movie sucks.

60:00: A chase scene!  The girl has been kidnapped, set up by her treacherous boyfriend.  Seagal gives chase and violently rams the SUV she’s in.  Then shoots into it repeatedly.  Well that’s… one way of stopping it.

70:00: The police of no use, the Seagull and his friend decide upon a covert strike to recover the girl.  Not that anyone who hasn’t long since tuned out cares.

85:00: Long (shit) story cut short, kidnappers demand five million. Girl’s father agrees, goes to meeting while Seagal moves around silently stabbing kidnappers in the back of the skull, complete with crunching noises of blade meeting skull.  Rescues girl.

End: It’s over, thank fuck.

FINAL VERDICT: Avoid.  Of possible value perhaps at 3:30am if you’re fucked up, may be good drinking material for some.  And not for the right reasons.