REVIEW: The Contractor (2013)

You wonder sometimes if DTV movies should be reviewed under a different metric and/or ratings system, since we expect all of them to be shit.  Some people say, such and such movie isn’t so bad… but great for a DTV movie!  I don’t think that’s a fair assessment, comprehensive parameters for all is a good thing, especially if a critic isn’t being influenced.  If for example an indie or DTV movie is better than some bloated blockbuster monster, then we should say so.  Likewise, if a tent pole movie has been embarrassed by a recent DTV upstart, that should be highlighted too.  The Contractor (2013) is bad by anyone’s standards.  It is a thriller and suspense movie, that much it recognizes.  It realizes that good suspense keeps someone waiting, that much it’s good at.  But good suspense builds up to a pay off, The Contractor just keeps people waiting.  People don’t like waiting.  To quote Steve Martin (Planes, Trains And Automobiles), when you’re telling a story… have a point.

The movie stars Danny Trejo as a mysterious construction worker hired by a couple in the legal sector to refurbish their house.  I’m being generous here, when I use the term mysterious.  Very generous.  But all is not what it seems with Trejo, he begins snooping around their house and catching an eyeful of Christina Cox’s ass, which by the way, really is one of the highlights of sticking this DVD into your player.  Eventually they suspect Trejo is up to no good and fire him, then the movie switches from mystery to vendetta.  And from mediocre to boring, writers block is easy to spot – repetitiveness and half baked subplots.  There is no payoff to Trejo’s mendacious glares and brooding, at least none that any reasonable person would give a fuck about.

To speak of positives, and to really stretch the definition of the term positive, the movie at least plays it straight or at least is capable of keeping cheesiness at a minimum.  It’s serious, understated even.  That includes Trejo’s performance which, you know, isn’t too bad.  And uh, Cox’s yoga scenes, those are another postive. Wait, already mentioned that.  But overall, a movie that can barely be described as mediocre can’t be recommended.  And a review that doesn’t offer an alternative can’t be recommended either.  As an alternative, I’d recommend ‘Hider In The House’ (1989), starring Gary Busey.  Although be warned, that movie is a troll job, to be consumed as a comedy (which this movie can’t even manage).  I mean, it stars Gary Busey, hiding in a woman’s attic.  ‘Nuff said.

This movie is worthless, unless in two years time a stoner finds value in it while stumbling upon it at 1:30am on TV.  Although he’ll need to be seriously shit-faced.

5/10