Rant: John Connor Is A Pussy In Every Terminator Movie!

To date we’ve had five Terminator movies and one Terminator TV series. And each time John Connor has been, for the most part, a girlie man pussy. In each movie the Terminator (The T-800 basically) is an unstoppable force to be reckoned with, as in superior evolution and something that’ll replace man. However, Kyle Reese disputes that description. In The Terminator, the Tech-Com Forces Soldier insists that in the future, John Connor proved that man was still the baddest motherfucker in the valley and more or less had T-800’s shitting their pants. A man who wouldn’t run, like the chase themes of the movies.

“He taught us how to smash those metal motherfuckers into junk.” So, in other words, if that John Connor was confronted by an Arnold T-800, there’d be no running. He’d stand his ground and fucking wreck it, just another grunt as far as he’s concerned. This is the John Connor we should’ve seen on screen, at some point. And for a brief moment, at the start of Terminator 2, we see him.

And then, we never see him again. Or anything close to the description Reese gave. The whole point of sending a unit to attack Sarah Connor and kid Connor was because grown up Connor was too much man to deal with. If you can’t beat the man, kill his mother or him as a kid. I mean, infiltration units are no good when the target just smashes them into junk when they get to his quarters anyway, right?

Furlong: Not bad, but slightly annoying in hindsight

Seven people have played Connor. Old Connor described above. Kid Connor (Furlong). Baby Connor (T2 nightmare). Adult Connor (Stahl). Soldier Connor (Bale), teen Connor (Dekker) and blasphemy Connor (Jason Clarke) Furlong would never have been my first choice for playing Connor. That, to me, would’ve gone to the kid who played Cob in RoboCop 2. That kid was cool as fuck, commanding his own mob convincingly and only knee-height. Anyway, in recent years, I’ve felt that T1 is superior to T2 and it’s probably because of Furlong. He’s the weakest link of an otherwise classic movie. Though he’s not that bad, in fact better than the subsequent adult Connors. It wouldn’t have worked either if Furlong had played an older Connor. Look at him now, he looks like meth-addicted sex offender. Not manly at all. Not in control of his shit.

Stahl: Worst John Connor ever?

Next up was Stahl. This is when things started to get really shit. In the Cameron movies, especially from T1, Connor is clearly a leader and alpha male. Even Furlong’s Connor begins to show signs of this with his independent and rebellious streak in T2. He’s a little shit, but a stern little shit. In T3 though, Stahl’s Connor is an absolute bitch. Within 10 minutes he gets humiliated, disarmed and locked in a cage by a female vet. Then he spends the rest of the movie moping and bitching while having an obsolete Terminator and his future wife protect him. This is probably the worst Connor portrayal ever. Worse than even Dekker. In T3 Connor is never in control of shit. He makes no tactical decisions let alone strategical decisions. He’s afraid and bewildered. The guy who defeats an army of cyborgs, certainly at the age Stahl is in this movie, doesn’t really need to be told what to do. He should be 5 steps ahead of everyone in the room, especially a machine and vet. Even Furlong demonstrated more situational awareness than this chump. Put that down to Cameron’s writing I guess.

Bale: Dumbass outwitted and outgunned

Christian Bale’s John Connor is an improvement over Stahl’s. But not by much. The problem is, this guy isn’t John Connor. In Terminator 4, Bale’s Connor hasn’t got the respect of the leadership of the resistance. Time and time again they dismiss him. Bale doesn’t look like a ‘great military leader’ and isn’t written as one. There’s no excuse this time around, there is no Arnie to pander to. Connor is the centre of the show here. Mankind’s wildcard is supposedly his intuition and guile, yet Connor walks straight into a trap. Dickwad. And is he the badass anti-Terminator Biehn described? Nope. Whereas previous Connor’s had their wives and mothers protect them, so too does this one have someone else save his ass. Bale is saved from a prototype T-800 by Worthington. The real John Connor doesn’t need to be saved. The real John Connor would’ve smashed that metal motherfucker into junk. A T-800 vs John Connor, the guy, should be a foregone conclusion: The machine gets its ass beat. Only briefly in this movie do we see what I’m talking about – Connor puts a ‘mototerminator’ on the ground a completely dominates it. Not enough.

TV Connor: Some boy band metrosexual

Thomas Dekker, from the TV series The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Y’see, this is what the fuck I’m talking about. Sarah Connor Chronicles?! What about the John ConnorChronicles? Sarah Connor was always a tough bitch. But this was always supposed to be a mere indicator on just who the fuck her genetics were going to give birth to – in other words the manliest goddamned homosapien to ever walk the earth. Like I said earlier, John Connor was too much of a badass for the Terminators so they had to go after his momma. So, does ‘Big John’ finally make an appearance in the TV series? Well, if you consider some manlet who looks like he belongs in shampoo adverts to fit the bill, then yes. Dekker is a mama’s boy. A pussy. He’s constantly protected by a female Terminator and his own mother. Get the fucking message! Connor doesn’t need protection. Connor protects.

Jason Clarke: A new low

Was Nick Stahl the worst John Connor ever?  Nah, now we know better.  Jason Clarke is the worst John Connor ever and appeared in the worst Terminator movie ever.  Terminator: Genisys is a truly wretched movie and a slap in the face to the original classic and its sequel.  Clarke does not convince me of being the meanest motherfucker in the valley.  His demeanour is soft and passive, this is no alpha male.  And what the fuck is this virus shit?  Connor becomes infected with Skynet?  If Clarke is a poor Connor, he’s downright awful as a villain Skynet Connor.  Yes, he was only part of the problem, but Terminator: Genisys makes me want to never see anything released with the Terminator name again – unless it’s a 30th anniversary UHD release of T2, or something.